My name is Mary.
I have a canary.
His name is Gary.
THE. END.


Disclaimer: I do not actually own a canary.

 

narwhal-noir:

I took my girlfriend to an improv show the other night and during intermission we were passionately arguing over whether half a 5 Hour Energy shot would give you 2.5 hours of energy or 5 hours of half-assed energy so we turned around to ask the opinions of the three people behind us and one of them said “Are all your arguments like this because we heard you in the lobby earlier fighting over the right way to pronounce ‘egg’?”

http://allieyourally.tumblr.com/post/83359250066/jmestkirk-you-are-seventeen-and-you-know

jmestkirk:

you are seventeen,
and you know everything.
you know how
to find the square root of 4,331
and how to spell
o-n-o-m-a-t-o-p-o-e-i-a,
and you know that it’s your fault
when your parents fight,
and you know
that a girl who likes girls
is a dead girl.

you are seventeen,
and all…

(Source: secrethistorys)

moth866643999642311568:

i found this series of stock images that are supposed to be of bullying but they just look really gay to me

slutfang:

finally my child can safely ram her fucking head into a doorknob this is what the future is all about what a time to be alive 

slutfang:

finally my child can safely ram her fucking head into a doorknob this is what the future is all about what a time to be alive 

(Source: gucciballs)

This book gives me more information about penguins than I care to have.

In 1944 a children’s book club sent a volume about penguins to a 10-year-old girl, enclosing a card seeking her opinion.

She wrote, “This book gives me more information about penguins than I care to have.”

American diplomat Hugh Gibson called it the finest piece of literary criticism he had ever read.

(via siftingflour)